Sunday, August 15, 2004

My head IS filled with doubt

It’s such a relief to finally have a second to sit and compile my thoughts. If I were a crying person, tears would be rolling down my face at the moment. I ride in my car and listen to the newest ballads, attempting to rationally envelop my thoughts. A myriad of situations have touched the household over the past week or so. They have affected me personally to various degrees of impact. One that got me thinking tonight was the duel role I have willingly undertaken.

Am I the straight as an arrow guy who’s mature beyond his years? Or am I still the kid that yearns for the acceptance of his peers? I am hopelessly teetering a delicate balance between these two. These two positions come tauntingly close to intersecting, leaving one of my alter egos permanently damaged.

How do I abridge myself when the contrast is painfully clear? Do I betray the trust of one in order to gain the momentary acceptance of another? And how will I feel when I am turned on by the very one I am trying to impress?

While my personality may modify over time, the core of my being will stay relatively intact. I am more analytical than spontaneous, more calculating than carefree. The potential ramifications always outweigh the momentary surge of indecision. This charade I orchestrate will eventually backfire and demonstrate my emotional weakness. Some might call this chalemeleon like, or changing colors to suit an audience.

People often think that I display some sort of intellectual and moral superiority over others. I only wish that were the case. The desire strikes me to wake up one morning and magically discover a personality that was hidden all these years.

Lyrical interlude

And it's hard to lead the life you choose,
All I wanted
When all your lucks run out on you.
All I wanted
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true.
Oh yeah, it's easy to forget, yeah.
And you choke on the regrets, yeah.
Who the hell did I think I was?

At the end of the day, I do know who the hell I am. I will always be the one, who in the spirit of amiability comes off as hypocritical. Diplomacy is never an easy thing. Only the most deft diplomat can deliver the same spiel to both sides and reach an amicable agreement. Aiming for a semblance of consistency is the best that can be reached for.

Sorry if my prose came off more as a disjointed rambling. The various tangible plots bear very little insight on my duality. I will certainly document the many trials and tribulations that led to my feelings being uncovered.



Blogger Eric Cioffoletti said...

Huh? Sounds like you've been having a hell of a week! Maybe I've been gone too long.

Don't worry. Any kind of emotional funk you might be in right now will probably pass. Your post is way to vague for me to give solid advice. But I guess the old saying "just be yourself" might be appropriate?

I'll talk to you soon.

August 15, 2004 at 2:47 PM  

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