Imagine what I felt today when I went out to my car, checked my cell phone, and noticed the name Jennifer on my list of missed calls.
I immediately re-checked the call list and made sure it was from this afternoon. It was.
A few moments later, I returned her query. Since I have no voice mail, I was not privy regarding the subject of her inquiry. As if turned out, she had a question about some homework assignment. We conversed for a minute and discovered she had the flu. Lets hope I didn’t pass my virus on to her.
I’ve been thinking about this whole issue for a couple of days. Procrastination is my M.O. in almost everything I do. There’s a test on Tuesday. Well, I can study double hard on Monday night. But there’s a good football game on that night. Okay, I’ll set my alarm for 3:00 a.m. and study six hours straight.
The point is that I’ll always find some reason to delay doing something and try to rationalize my behavior.
I don’t think I need to recap the basics of this situation. It’s scattered throughout this Live Journal and chronicled extensively on my other web log.
The notable change since my last update is the revelation that she is going to attend the University of Kentucky next fall. That means any relationship would likely be rather temporary. And that might not necessarily be a bad thing. At this point in my life, I’m not looking for that one true love. I just want to fuck someone until their nose bleeds (Sorry, that’s wrong). Actually, that’s not what I’m about. I do love that line, though. Funny side note: The spell-checker wants to change “their” to “his or her”. If followed, the edited version would read, “I just want to fuck someone until his or her nose bleeds.”
I almost feel like I have to take a chance and gamble that things work out well for me. By nature, I’m a rather conservative person. By that I don’t mean that I exhibit right-wing political tendencies. But I tend to be rather cautious and abstain from taking unnecessary chances. Sometimes that works to my advantage. For instance, playing cautiously puts me in good position to finish second in games of poker. On the other hand, my lack of aggressiveness hinders me from winning the ultimate prize.
I find myself consciously evaluating the odds of success in everything I do. In this situation, I would place my odds at 55/45 for at least having an opportunity to date her. I’m not sure whether the 55 are in my favor or against me. But if this were a game of poker, those odds would be considered fairly decent.
That’s enough with the nebulous poker references. I went on for too long, but my main point is worth noting. It’s hard to get something you really want without committing to lay it all on the line.
In this case, that means opening myself up for the possibility of rejection. The conscious decision to open oneself up to that sort disappointment is not an easy one. The possible reward, however, makes it a worthwhile proposition.
Sorry if I’m coming off as too analytical here. Spontaneity is not exactly my thing.
Let me try to set the scene as vividly as I can. I’m written about the similarities I see between Jennifer and myself. For instance, both of us are journalists and politically liberal. Of course, one or two similarities don’t always mean much.
Our differences are in our personalities. She seems to be the type of person that can and does talk to anybody. On the other hand, I am fairly reserved and take a while to warm up to people. Consequently, I have a hard time telling whether she’s simply being friendly or does indeed like me. I find myself freezing up when I talk to her. I very well could be sending signals that I’m not interested, when in reality I’m too nervous or scared to put my best face forward.
I’ll open up a little and try to explain what I think I like about her. It’s not really about looks or anything shallow like that. I find her to be a cute girl. She has red hair; usually, she wears it in a ponytail. But I saw her once when she let her hair down, and it was the first time I looked at her and thought, “Man, she looks hot.” But I digress.
She comes off as a very innocent and sweet. And if I can say this without being offensive, I suspect she’s closer to me when it comes to level of sexual experience. And that is very little. If I can say something else more personal, I think I’d feel inadequate being with someone who had an extensive sexual history. I don’t know why, but whenever I see her I hear the lyrics of Vanessa Carlton’s “White Houses” going through my brain.
There’s something else to discuss that may or may not simply be an excuse for procrastinating. The remainder of this semester might be rather uncomfortable if she rebuffed my advances. I’d still be sitting by her every day in class, unless I simply decided to change spots. And that might be a little awkward in and of itself.
I’m feeling a sense of urgency to try and make something materialize out of this situation. It’s not always easy for me to even become friendly with members of the opposite sex. Now that I’ve found a person who I consider myself friendly with, I think it’s the perfect opportunity to make something happen. But if this self-professed “perfect situation” goes badly, than what will the right time be? I feel that this is the kind of girl who is “in my league”, if not marginally above my league.
I’ve tried to consider constructive ways of making a move of sorts. Someone suggested that I should ask her to coffee. I don’t know if “coffee” is more of a colloquialism or if I really should make plans for Barney’s or Starbucks. I have to admit that I’ve never drunk a cup of coffee in my life.
The idea I had was to see if she wanted to get together and study for our upcoming exam. One confidant has told me that I should immediately make clear my desire for a romantic, not a platonic relationship. On the other hand, it’s hard to really ask someone out during a class period. I believe that this idea would have its advantages. If she said no or essentially blew me off, at least I would know she’s not interested. I wonder how hard I should press things. I’d want to make it clear that if she legitimately didn’t have time to get together that I’d be interested in doing something at another time.
I know Thanksgiving is a busy time for a lot of people. Some families have people come over to stay. It’s feasible that she might truly be busy.
A second sort of wild card to throw into the mix. I talked to her tonight and she said she was sick. I’m not sure if tomorrow (or today, as it is past midnight) would be the best day to try and press things.
I’d probably leave it with saying that she knows my number and call if interested. If she called back with any sort of response, I would gauge that I should continue my advances. If she completely blew me off, I’d take that hint too.
If anybody thinks I wrote something that could totally lead to disaster, feel free to AIM me or call my cell and give me advice. My AIM is right on my profile page. And there’s always the trusty comment feature.
Although I posted this more for myself and less for feedback. I appreciate anybody’s input, but I think writing this stuff out does me good even if nobody reads it. In the end, I know the situation best and have to learn to trust my own instincts.
How do I think things will be after tomorrow’s class? I will probably say nothing, or offer up some token, ambiguous gesture of friendship or romance. I think I need to go to sleep and put some of this out of my mind for a little while.
I might have forgotten the best solution. Thirty minutes before class, I should measure out exactly 1.5 ounces of Jack Daniel’s whiskey. That way, I would be more relaxed and able to benefit from my lowered inhibitions. On second thought, maybe that isn’t a great idea. But Jack will remain in my heart, even if he’s not gracing my lips.
I do think this subject needs more analysis, preferably when I’m intoxicated and even more in touch with my emotions.
I will conclude with this rather frank statement. I assert here on this blog today that I will not allow this to slip me by. For evidence of what happens when I feel I let an opportunity slip away from me, see
http://www.livejournal.com/users/tsias/1031.html?mode=reply
On a more happy note, now I can go into my spare room and listen to U2’s “How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb”. For a slightly less serious LJ/Blogspot experience, be ready for my album review in the coming days.
-Taylor
